Reclaiming trust after abuse
How to rebuild trust in others and yourself after childhood trauma.
“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.” – Unknown
Rebuilding trust after abuse is a delicate, time-intensive process that requires patience and care.
Childhood sexual abuse shatters trust—trust in others, trust in the world, and most devastatingly, trust in yourself. For male survivors, the damage to trust can show up in countless ways: fear of vulnerability, difficulty forming close relationships, or a constant second-guessing of your instincts. Rebuilding trust is one of the hardest but most transformative parts of healing.
In my early career, working in sales and marketing, I had trouble interacting with so-called Type-A men who tended to be driven and demanding and seemingly had little time for your thoughts or feelings. It resembled the distance and overbearing manipulation of the abuse. Behind that was also a self-confidence and agency that I had lost and never imagined I could regain.
The journey to reclaiming trust begins with small steps. The first and most important step is learning to trust yourself again. Abuse often distorts your perception of your own worth and judgment. You might find yourself asking, “Why didn’t I stop it?” or “Why didn’t I see the signs?” These questions reflect the misplaced guilt survivors often carry.
Trusting yourself means recognizing that the abuse was not your fault and that your reactions—then and now—are valid. You were protecting yourself. Start by noticing moments when your instincts guide you well, like setting a boundary or making a choice that aligns with your needs.
Once you’ve begun to rebuild self-trust, you can start exploring trust with others. This is a gradual process that doesn’t happen overnight. Begin with people who have proven themselves to be safe—those who listen without judgment and respect your boundaries. Trust doesn’t mean being naïve or ignoring red flags; it means allowing yourself to connect with others while still recognizing your need for safety.
Therapy can be a valuable tool for understanding and rebuilding trust, a real-life testing ground for opening up in controlled environment. A skilled therapist can help you explore the impact of abuse on your relationships and guide you in setting healthy boundaries.
Our group therapy leader had mentioned that trust and boundaries can often feel like a new coat, where you have to try it on and get used to the fit. I wasn’t sure what he meant until soon after I found myself losing my shit and screaming at a street beggar who would not stop following me on his bike, talking at me incessantly, to leave me alone. I hadn’t used a voice or reaction like that in 40 years. It felt powerful but didn’t “fit” with who I was. In the moments following the interaction, it was instantly recognizable as a new boundary-setting ability for me but perhaps next time I would dial down the response and volume.
Trusting others after abuse is not about letting go of fear entirely but about choosing to move forward despite it. Reclaiming trust is a brave act of self-love and a vital step toward living a life rooted in connection and authenticity.
Key Take-away: Rebuilding trust starts with small, intentional steps toward trusting yourself and others again.
Reflective Prompts:
What does trust mean to you, and how has your definition of it changed over time?
In what small ways have you begun to trust yourself or others again?
Who in your life has shown themselves to be trustworthy, and how can you nurture those connections?