The role of shame in a survivor’s life
Unpacking the weight of shame and how to begin breaking free from its grip.
“Shame is a soul-eating emotion.”– C.G. Jung
Shame corrodes a survivor’s sense of self, making confronting it essential for healing.
Shame is one of the most insidious effects of childhood sexual abuse, especially for male survivors. Unlike guilt, which is tied to specific actions, shame is a deeper, more pervasive belief: I am fundamentally flawed.
For many survivors, shame becomes a constant companion, whispering lies like, “You deserved it,” or “You’re weak for letting it happen.” This shame is often reinforced by societal messages that men should be strong, invulnerable, and unaffected by trauma.
Shame thrives in silence. When you don’t speak about your experiences, shame grows unchecked, feeding on our isolation and self-doubt. But it’s important to understand that shame is not a reflection of who you are; it’s a learned response to the abuse you endured. The abuse was never your fault, and the shame you carry belongs to the abuser, not to you. They did a shameful thing.
Breaking free from shame begins with speaking your truth in a safe and supportive space. This might mean talking to a therapist, sharing with a trusted friend, or even simply writing in a journal. Each time you name your shame and confront it, its power diminishes. You start to see it for what it is: a distortion, not the truth.
Self-compassion is another powerful tool for dismantling shame. Imagine how you would comfort a friend in your situation, and then offer yourself the same kindness. Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to what happened to you, but to who you are and the strength it has taken to keep moving forward.
Healing from shame is a gradual process, but it’s deeply liberating. By challenging the lies that shame tells you and replacing them with self-compassion and truth, you can reclaim your identity as someone who is worthy of love, respect, and joy.
Key Take-away: Shame is a distortion that thrives in silence and diminishes as you replace it with self-compassion.
Reflective Questions:
What are the moments or messages that make shame feel most powerful in your life?
How would you speak to a loved one experiencing the same shame you feel?
What is one small step you can take today to challenge a shameful thought with self-compassion?
Image Credits: Cover Photo by Mubariz Mehdizadeh via Unsplash. Photo Above by Engin Akyurt via Unsplash