The Post-Traumatic Growth Paradox
“Aus der Kriegsschule des Lebens—Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker // Out of life’s school of war—what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”
Fuck. I’m Stuck. Again.
I was stuck one day, in a never-ending loop, trying to reconcile the gratitude for how far I had come, while acknowledging where I had been. I kept coming back to the fact that I wouldn’t be ME if it weren't for the abuse. How can I be thankful for what happened? How can I not be thankful for who I am?
This is why paradox comes to mind. Which might be just a word for “my pea-brain hasn’t figured it out yet”. So, fuck Webster’s dictionary for now … We’re on a journey of goddamn self-discovery, here, remember.
Kelly Clarkson Set Me Right
In the sea glass and kintsugi post, we talk about how the glass and the objects are more beautiful and treasured because they have been broken and then repaired, in their respective senses (sea glass, gold resin). But would it have been better to just have remained “the bottle”, to not break “the bowl”? Who can say?
This seeming paradox didn’t sit well. There was hesitantancy to even acknowledge what had been achieved and overcome because of a feeling something was owed, some weird connection to what the perpetrator, David Ripley, did. There was some serious unpacking to do.
I went down a rabbit hole trying to find the terminology to explain how to attribute strength to a tragedy. I mean, I can belt out Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” as well as anyone else in my lone-occupant car … but how do we attribute thanks to something that causes so much suffering?
You Do You
According to the US DoT over 14,000 people every year are saved by seatbelts; over 400,000 since 1975 when regulations were mandated and adopted. But the cost of “seatbelts” were the automobile deaths before they were installed. How do we say, “Thank you, old-timey car crashes and those who died.”?
Spoiler alert: It’s not the tragedy, its the action taken. Thank you government for mandating these and manufacturers for installing these. Thank you for wearing them. All these folks took action in the face of tragedy. The people. Not the tragedy. There is a distinct separation.
In this way, we are able to say that we rose from despair. The abuse and the abuser were not there when we did that rising. They play NO role in our Phoenix rising. This is one of the best ways to define yourself, and not let the abuse define you.
You are here because of YOU.
Post-Traumatic Growth
The bonus in all this searching was that a term was finally found for it: Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). When you recall all the songs, all the books, all the stories, all the movies of being strong in the face of adversity … it’s all attributable to the subject and their story, not the catalyst event.
It connects with, and verifies for me, yet another reason I am hooked on narrative therapy. I want to tell myself MORE about how I rose, instead of sitting through a fucked-up mental Powerpoint on eternal loop about what I don’t deserve.
I have to assume David Ripley and other pedophiles like him have not been sitting at home for 40 years lamenting the same way. Fuck that, and fuck staying stuck.
Is it a real thing?
I have to admit, I was cynical and wondered if PTG was simply a way to sell more stuff. A new self-help money train. The new-and-improved PTSD. Everyone will want that!
Is it real change that the studies measured, or just perceived positive change? Is it an actuality, or an illusion that adult male survivors of childhood sexual can achieve long-lasting escape from PTSD symptoms?
I don’t know. Yes, more studies are needed about the durability and persistence of the post-traumatic growth. It is problematic to measure a trauma “baseline”, wait for tragedy to strike, and then measure again.
But the concept does allow us to wrap our heads around moving forward, without getting too hyped about the language. Mainly because it is not a new phenomenon. It is a newly coined term from the 1990s … but the power of human suffering to change someone has been documented and spoken for thousands of years.
Post-traumatic growth is described as a “positive psychological change, or the self-improvement, experienced as a result of struggling with highly challenging, highly stressful life circumstances”. Sounds familiar!
Like kintsugi, we ARE better for having been broken. The trauma that caused the bowl to break is not the focus, it is the work to repair it that is celebrated. Some people call this resilience.
Perhaps look at it as someone said: not a cure, but an indicator of recovery and healthy coping. It might be a way to focus attention on using the pain, or understanding the pain, to give purpose to the pain.
Rather than keep asking “Why me?”, why don’t we try to ask “What now?”.
Perhaps it is Simpler
The dudes that coined the term - Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun - say that PTG manifests itself in several areas, including the agility to embrace new opportunities, have better relationships with people, improved emotional strength and resilience, express gratitude toward life where there used to be little, and to have greater spiritual connection (whatever that may be for you).
While the grief may still be there, post-traumatic growth allows us to look forward in life instead of being stuck in the past. Some people are better able to cope and feel “normal”. Others can be transformed by trauma, from being able to be in a small group to giving TedTalks. Each to his own.
What is going on in your life and who is in your crew can have incremental effects on the success of PTG. For example, if you have more friends, colleagues, and connections, you may be more likely to have positivity in your life, assuming all those people aren’t douchebags.
The Role You Play
It’s often hard to see that there IS a choice in how you move forward with growth. This is sometimes described as “respond vs react”. When someone cuts us off in traffic, for example, we have the choice to respond or react. We are often driven to react, without thinking, which can cause anger, a negative mindset, and does not solve a goddamn thing.
We can choose to respond differently. “Traffic sure is busy.” or “Some people sure drive aggressively!” … aaaaaand scene. We let it go, and continue with our Kelly Clarkson song. It doesn’t mean we should be a bunch of smiling idiots, but no muss, no fuss, no wasted energy sounds awesome enough to get me to work on this.
Saying, “That made me so angry!” becomes moot. “That” happened. How you choose to react or respond is up to you. No one can “make” you happy or “make” you sad. Why would we give anyone that fake power? No one else is responsible for your happiness but YOU.
Check Your Blinker Fluid
If post-traumatic growth is about feeling better and doing better, or perhaps just getting some semblance of a life back, how will we know when we have achieved it? That might be subjective, and perhaps best talked out with someone, perhaps a counsellor.
Successes in post-traumatic growth might be lumped in with emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and resilience, which we all have in differing degrees. And these things can also be distinct: someone who rises from trauma might not have been resilient before, but now they are. Someone who was resilient may not experience transformation and growth.
We will all struggle with this. Someone who struggled greatly in the beginning may eventually get it more than others. There’s not a schedule and it is not a contest.
I do know that the constant things are that, first, it takes time and second, that the odds of success are greater when more people tackle this together, with you.
Remember the car accidents I mentioned earlier? It turns out there is a way to say thanks … The United Nations declares an annual day of remembrance to road accident victims as do several nations independently.
The objectives of the international day are not far off of of ANY remembrance or memorial day: Remember, Support, and Act.
These are also the cornerstones of moving forward as survivors. Acknowledging what we’ve been through, supporting each other, and taking action to achieve growth.
Breaking free from shame’s grip