Why Now?
Why is there such a delay to reporting abuse?
A common set of questions and comments adult survivors get is, “Why did you wait so long?” and, the favourite, “Can’t you put it behind you and just get over it?”
First, let’s chat about the extended silence. It’s complicated. And it’s messy.
There is so much confusion and shame attached to childhood sexual abuse. For boys and men, there’s a layer of suppressions as well - man-up, suck it up, get over it, you’re tough enough to take it. Push. It. Down. What really happens is years of these recordings playing in your head: Was it my fault? Does this mean I’m gay? Am I broken now? Did I do something wrong? Oh god, if my friends found out. Will the perpetrator hurt me or my family if I tell?
Layered in there is likely a power imbalance, threats, and even violence. Someone in authority, or older and stronger than you, can easily threaten kids to keep quiet. Manipulation is what pedophiles are good at. Left to fester, these feelings of shame and guilt eat away at a person’s soul, day by day. Who would want to talk about that?
Thankfully, mental health is now something people are more willing to address and talk about, but it wasn’t long ago that it was a “quiet”, behind-the-scenes problem.
The Culture of Silence
There is no timetable that says you have to do ANYTHING, let alone by a certain date and time. And talking about it is not for everyone. Some are able to squirrel it away and keep it there - whether they hide it away on purpose or not.
Men are also often expected to suck it up and move on. No need to share feelings. Be tough. This creates a great deal of tension as a young boy ages and the expectations take hold, but don’t match the reality of the need for care. Even once one knows they need to unburden themselves of this shame, it is hard to talk about it for the same reasons.
For me, in hindsight, I knew it was affecting me, but what could I do about it now? Suppress and deal and live with it. That suppression presented itself in many ways over the years. It became ‘normal’. How can someone heal from that? Would I have to relive everything again - and what would that look like - because the thought of that made it worse.
I talked to a university friend about it once. But it was the first years with my son that really sent me down a path of greater unravelling. I think it stressed me because I felt needed to protect him from the same thing. Not that there were people lurking around every corner but … in my mind, there were. I looked at every man in his life with suspicion.
So, why now?
If you notice, it took years of ruminating, then talking, then ruminating, then yelling, then listening, then crying, then figuring it out, and talking some more before I could make another leap.
Trauma often splits a person in two, one stuck dealing with trying to understand the trauma, the other trying to move forward. Rationally, it’s obvious that it happened in the past, but the mind can also make it feel like it happened yesterday … and could happen again. I used to think the concept of an “inner child” was a little “woo” … but I discovered that I do have one, and he was left behind in a dark bedroom 45 years ago.
I am never surprised when a new case makes headlines, having been perpetrated decades ago. I completely understand that if it took 20 years or more to pick up a phone. I applaud anyone who is able to stand, speak out, and put themselves in a spot light to say “no”. There is no schedule for this shit.
And some never do make that decision and that is perfectly ok. Heal you, work on you, do what feels right for you. Your path is your path. I applaud you, too, for staying alive.
I left those therapy sessions feeling a lot of feelings, often all at once: drained, angry, relieved, thankful, and bonded to these guys and their stories. Wrapping your head around moving forward is exhausting. By the end of the therapy cycles, I also felt about three feet taller with courage, strength and belief in what the right thing for me to do was.
My path was to pick up the phone one clear December day to call the police.
Getting over childhood sexual abuse
I don’t recall anyone specifically asking me this - why can’t you just get over it, let it go, suck it up, it’s in the past, move on - but we survivors hear it all the time. There was a time when moving on was expected. It’s over, now let’s forget about it. Which is a totally awesome thing to expect a child to deal with. #moresarcasm
“The edge ... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over”
I don’t like to say it this way, but it was another time and place. We didn’t have the common understanding of trauma and armchair psychology that we have today. While the human effects have been around for millennia, the term “PTSD” was just being introduced as a diagnosis term in the 1990s, perhaps a more medical term for “shell-shock”. Mental Health is even a “modern” term and there is a stigma with mental illness or that anyone would ever seek help for it. It’s all in your head. Get over it. Quiet now. Why would you need a shrink? Shuffle the priest to another district. Shoo the pedophile out of town.
Break a leg, my Portuguese friend
I look at it with two analogies. Consider a survivor who has been living with this trauma for years. He is reliving his narrative of shame daily, and nightmares of abuse have fueled his depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, just to mute it a little.
First, if you consider this to be PTSD, it is an injury that needs work and healing. This is akin to telling someone who just broke their arm to suck it up. “Just hold it with your other arm and move on. What’s so difficult about that?” Society tells too many of our returning soldiers to just move on, stimulating one of the highest suicide rates of any cohort. Do you want to be the one to tell them to just “keep their chins up” and “it will just pass”?
Secondly, try this: I would like you to stop speaking English now and only speak Portuguese. And thoughts, too - Portuguese only. It shouldn’t matter that your brain is wired to only one thing … just move on. It will adapt, right? You ask survivors to forget their horrors and coping mechanisms they’ve recited and replayed for 20, 30, 40 years and then to suddenly NOT think of those things and move on.
So, no, we’re not going to “get over it”. Fuck off.
You take your broken leg from a car crash to rehab, right? I’m taking my broken brain from years of abuse and shame to rehab. Both are injuries, and both need time to heal.
Even then, I don’t expect to “heal” or be done a “journey”. One will never be able to forget it, and you don’t want to be defined by it. I do expect to find a way to live with what happened and still thrive. It’s no different than not wanting a limp from a broken leg. But you will always have a scar.
Lighthearted Look: Yet another pop-culture reference, this Bob Newhart and Mo Collins skit from MadTV about a unique form of therapy is one of my favourites. It is ridiculously funny, perfectly deadpan, and I wish the simple logic were true.
MAD TV - Mo Collins and Bob Newhart Skit - “Stop It” - S6E24, May 2001
Breaking free from shame’s grip