The Men in the Holes
“Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.”
This poetry excerpt from Rumi’s poetry collection, Divan-i Shams-i Tabrizi (The Works of Shams of Tabriz), is so simple in how it points the way to how one should serve: show people the way, help people, lift people up.
There’s a scene in an episode of The West Wing that stuck with me over the years.
In the scene (video below), Josh Lyman has come out of a PTSD therapy session, prescribed due to an end-of-season shooting. Leo McGarry asks Josh how it went and, perhaps sensing that Josh needed a friend to remind him to take his mental health more seriously, he recalls a story to Josh.
That story involves a man falling into a deep, steep-sided hole. A doctor walks by and, after the man pleads for help, writes a prescription, throws it down to the man, and walks on. A priest walks by and, after the man pleads for help, writes a prayer, throws it down, and walks on.
The guy’s friend walks by and, after he pleads for help, the friend jumps down into the hole.
“Are you stupid?” remarks the guy. “Now we’re both down here!”
“Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out,” replies the friend.
The West Wing, “Noel”, S2E10, December 2000
When I saw the scene, I recall it triggered something, well before I was doing anything about the effects of the abuse. Maybe there was help for something I didn’t know I needed, but felt at my core. It was like finding a piece of a puzzle but I didn’t have the box lid with the picture on it. It wouldn’t make sense for years.
I still may not know the way out of the hole yet. But there are people out there that know how to listen and how guide you. Find those people - friends, soulmates, other survivors, professionals - and just start talking. Open your mouth and just start with, “I need to tell you something.” Then, say one more word, and it will come to you.
Or start with yourself: write it down, no holds barred, free-flow it on to paper, just for you, and tuck it away to read later. But start. Write down, “I need to tell you something.” Then write one more word. Then another.
Not every hole needs a shovel
Sticking with the theme, if you get stuck down a hole, and all you have is a shovel, you are not going to get very far. You will also get used to that shovel as your only tool. That thing that has provided a sense of progress - shoveling - may offer you some comfort, but that progress is zero, or worse, digging you deeper.
So is the anger, shame, and behaviour that consume us. They become the only things we can control, so they give us false comfort. They become embedded.
So, when someone lowers us a ladder, we need to be able to recognize it as a way out, not a new shovel to dig with. The first thing you need to do is let go of the shovel. Then take a leap of faith about the ladder.
Climbing the ladder is tough. We’re not used to it. It is an unknown. It is uncomfortable.
But know that it is a hell of a lot easier to climb a ladder than it is to climb a shovel.
Breaking free from shame’s grip